How to bring about a regime change in straightforward,
easy to follow steps; A simple guide by Tuco Ramirez
Well my friends as I record the events of recent months in this weathered journal I can declare to you that I have, with selfless resignation, taken on the mantle of the noble revolutionary. ‘What?!’ I hear you cry, ‘Tuco Ramirez the mercenary, the bandit, the common cutthroat and grave robber! Tuco Ramirez helping the weak and oppressed to throw off their heavy shackles of tyranny! Surely this cannot be one and the same man?’ Yes, yes I know the very thought sounds preposterous. Nevertheless, as our ship makes its way back to Pulonia Major, we are training and preparing a group of exiles to undertake an insurgency that will unite the discontented people of that unhappy planet to rise up and overthrow their corrupt and cruel king Agindar. Our aim is that they replace him with someone just as cruel, certainly as corrupt but ultimately more amenable to us, which I think you’ll agree would be a great improvement in their miserable lives. As someone once said, ‘In revolutions authority remains with the greatest scoundrels’.
This great undertaking began several months ago aboard the Dire Wolf. Malachai and I had deftly avoided any major fallout concerning the demon we’d discovered aboard the ship earlier and were thanking our lucky stars (and the eternal wisdom of the Emperor) that there had been no sightings of it since we thought that we had dispatched it in the cargo hold. At around this time we were approached by Bevan Gul, security chief for the previous management of Lord Van Dire. Gul told us that he would be more than happy to work for the new management and that his services would be useful in bringing over the rest of the crew to our way of thinking. Malachai seemed somewhat suspicious that a man could change his loyalties so easily and was reluctant to accept his offer at first. You see, Malachai’s a grease monkey and not a man at arms, so he doesn’t really understand how these things work. In this game, business is business… it’s nothing personal. Gul told us that Vandire hadn’t paid the wages bill for several months and the men had had to go short on grog and women. A captain that isn’t able to pay his debts just can’t expect his crew to be that dependable, it’s a given. So, when he says he’s willing to work for us instead (for a fair share of any loot) I’m comfortable with that. Never trust a man who doesn’t put personal wealth above other considerations. Give me a good, old honest mercenary over an idealist or a fanatic any day of the week. Anyway, Gul tells us of two prisoners that were taken aboard the Dire Wolf recently who might be able to tell us more about Gorian Debarii, the Throne Agent, and his never ending attempts to tear down House Varrick.
Down in the brig we were shown Franz and Chiron, the two unfortunates that had taken a holiday on that paradise planet Gulag. I’d busted in there and busted back out again when rescuing Lukas and I knew that it wasn’t the type of hotel that you’d like to take an extended vacation at. They were a sorry looking pair who’d clearly had it rough in recent times and had both seen better days. Chiron’s an ex-Navy flier and Franz well, he claims to be a wandering scholar, cultural expert and diplomat. As you well know my friends, I’m not one for books and learning, so I have a natural distrust of men who earn their living this way. Take this book the Maleficas Maleficarum, for example. From what we can gather Debarii and his associates are determined to get their hands on it. It’s used for summoning demons so I’m told. Now, on the whole, that’s obviously not a good thing. I’ve seen enough demons to last me more than a life time aboard the chaos infested pirate vessels of the Saynay. If there’s one lesson that I learned from those crazy, cruel bastards, it’s to leave demons well alone tucked up in whatever Hellish part of the Warp they inhabit. Having them here in real space is a recipe for having yourself skinned alive, or worse. I mean if we could sell this book that might be something. You know, make some serious money from it. However, the rest of the crew are determined to destroy it. OK, OK I can see the logic in that but it irks me that we can’t make a pile of cash out of something so many people are willing to go to such lengths to get hold of.
Anyways, while we’re discussing the book and deciding whether any of us can really trust any of the others, Chora, the Eldar that I met on Gulag, mysteriously appears on the ship. She helped save our skins when we were busting off of Gulag so I’ve certainly got some time for her. She says that Debarii and his friends pose a huge threat to mankind and that we need to work together to stop him. Although we all have differing motives for going after Debarii (mine are very much about loot… Not sure yet how I’ll get hold of it but I know that there’s loot to be had) we decide we are going to team up to bring him down. Our first port of call is Pulonia Major in the Aescapulon Protectorate. We know he’s been sighted there. Through intelligence we find out that the ruler there is a man called Agindar. Franz tells us that he’s great at negotiation and diplomacy, so we decide to travel there in one of our trading ships, the Penance of Iocanthos, adopting a low key approach. The basic plan is that we make contact with Agindar representing House Varrick for purposes of commerce and trade and then find out what we can about Debarii and his cronies. The best laid plans of mice and men!
The first part of our plan seemed to be going quite well. We arrived in system and made contact with King Agindar, who seemed happy to invite us to his palace for talks. Franz claimed he was Varrick himself, which I thought might be a bit embarrassing when the real Darius inevitably turned up but apparently its acceptable in diplomatic circles to claim that you actually are somebody if you are representing them. You see, this is why I’m suspicious of people who can read. When we made planet fall we were escorted to the palace directly from the spaceport. Something didn’t seem quite right, the streets were too clean, the trains ran on time and there were no ugly people (a sure sign of something untoward). At the palace we were met by a bald headed priest in white flowing robes with a tattoo of a beard on his chin. If that isn’t sending out a gold leaf printed invitation to be gunned down with a bolt pistol I don’t know what is. Well, he says the King will have to keep us waiting before an audience and that we can have a tour of the palace grounds to idle away the hours. Gul and I decide to have a look around the city while Franz, Chiron and Malachai take the tour. This is where the plan came apart a little. First off, Gul and I get into a scrap with the local militia, killing three or four of them. It turns out Agindar is a half mad, brutal dictator who terrorises his citizens in a police state. To be honest, what he does in his own time doesn’t really bother me. He could be the milk of human kindness when it comes to running his city, or organise mass hangings every morning. Unfortunately now that I’ve gunned down a group of his flunkies, it’s going to make it difficult to negotiate with him, so he’ll have to go. To make matters worse our ‘diplomatic expert’ makes some amazing faux pas at a dinner they’ve been invited to and Agindar decides that one of them will have to fight a duel to the death with his gladiatorial champion. Luckily, in my absence, Malachai steps up to the plate and through a combination of his weird octopus hair, weird magnet ability and bloody big axe, manages to win the fight. Gul and I then roll up to the arena where this combat is taking place and drive a truck bomb into the stadium. Lots of explosions, shooting, screaming and dying later we bust out of there aboard a guncutter back to the ship. I gunned down the baldy, beard tattoo priest, so mission accomplished as far as I’m concerned.
